What is the definition of family? Everyone has their own definition + their family dynamics vary. That is the beauty. I love the fact that I am being exposed to a variety of family style. It is not for me to decide which is right: traditional v.s. modern.
I would like to take this opportunity to describe my family background. I am the first generation here in America as my parents + extended relatives before me were refugees from Cambodia. I am the oldest of 4 + the only identified girl of the family. At the time, it was thought that I was the first Deaf person in my extended family. At my home, my family was using SEE (Signed Exact English) and home sign language (where we created some signs that only family members could understand each other at home). Despite my family’s unconditional love for me, ignorance still existed at home. The blame still does not fall on my family. It falls on the society + misconceptions that had been created out of fear + out of audism, which is a term for discrimination based on auditory status. With ignorance lingering around at my home, I had become isolated because it was easy for hearing people to forget that I had different needs.
That is where a hearing privilege comes in. It was easy to be annoyed by subtitles being shown on television if the language was spoken in English. That is confusing to me because English subtitles never seemed to bother hearing people onscreen if the television show or a film were being spoken in a foreign language. That is called an inconvenience. My needs were often seen as inconvenient.
When we found out that my baby brother was Deaf also, a lot of responsibilities fell solely on me, even though there was an 11-year age gap between us. The responsibility to teach him a sign language was mine, never mind as 11 years old, I was not equipped with experience or knowledge to teach a baby a language. The discipline was left up to me as well because sometimes I was the only person who could understand him. I essentially took on the mother role, and the responsibilities went as far as being involved in every aspect of his life in the position, which I had no business to be in, in the first place. It was one of the reasons why I became selfish, as I’ve gotten older. I did not want to be a mother at all. I dreamt of being a childless career womxn, working for the United Nations.
Clearly I did not become a childless career womxn. When I was 23, I was in a longtime relationship with my best friend from high school. We had been dating + living together for nearly 3 years when we discovered that we were expecting a child. In that moment, I was scared, but the joy was creeping upon us. This is not to say that every womxn would feel this way. Some choose to not have a child or may never feel the desire to have any and that is ok because they’re rightfully to feel the way they feel. For me, personally, I never realized how much I wanted to be a mother until we found out that we were expecting. During the entire pregnancy, I read every book that were either about or written by CODA (Child of Deaf Adult) because I was aware that there were chances that I’d birthed a CODA. I wanted to absorb all information available out there about CODA…books, articles, or Internet. With all this information, my parenting style had been tailored specifically to CODA needs. Since I have never experienced being CODA, I felt it was so important to listen to other CODAs, and gain a new perspective from them, validating their struggles + feelings. With that, it helped me to develop appropriate tools to support my unborn child as they grow up.
This is one of the reasons why I often find myself baffled when hearing parents of Deaf child become very defensive when I try to offer my support or share my experiences as a Deaf child. It is not to criticize them, blame them or calling them bad parents. The fault falls on the broken system that has failed them. The reason why the system had failed Deaf children is because of lack of access and resources on how to support Deaf babies/children. Doctors, audiologists + other specialists are hearing people with absolutely no experience of being a Deaf person…how could they be qualified as an expert in what we, DDBDD (Deaf, DeafBlind + Deaf with Disabilities) community, needed? Learning from DDBDD adults would be one of the best tools in tailoring your parenting style to DDBDD children, even though it can be one of the hardest things to do.
I believe it is so important to build a healthy community for our children as a CODA (or DDBDD). Our children need a healthy, strong bridge between both worlds. In the beginning of our parenthood, we were struggling + failing to build a healthy community for our child because of so much of ignorance + refusal on others’ part to meet our child’s needs.
People don’t realize how harmful audism is for our CODA because that is destroying a hero in our child’s eyes.
Asking our child to interpret for you is audism.
Not willing to instill the importance of sign language in front of my children is audism because by doing so, you’re only sending the message to my children that communicating with their mother was something to be ashamed of.
If you are not familiar with the language, it is best to find other ways, such as using paper + pen to communicate. It is more humane to do so than to not acknowledge the important person in my children’s lives.
My firstborn, J, experienced a lot of hurt because xe witnessed audism around me and at age of 4, J was very upset + stated that xe wished their mother was not Deaf and why people didn’t love their mother. That was when my partner, B + I realized that we had to make some changes + set some boundaries. I am happy to report that J had developed a healthier perspective on DDBDD community + gained respect for me as a mother. J has become one of biggest advocates, as well.
**terms: xe = a gender pronoun to replace she or he.
© Leang Ngov Finding My Light, 2015