Nearly a couple of years ago, at the age of 30 and as a stay at home mom of 3 small children, I felt lost and unsure of my future. Since then, a lot has changed and that is what has brought me to start my own blog today.
I wanted to share a story…a personal story. As a child, I didn’t realize I was “different” than my family or friends. When I was about 6 or 7 years old, I was playing tag with my younger brother + cousins one summer. I remember gasping for breath from running around + laughter. It was just a sweet day of my childhood. Suddenly, a friend of my cousins appeared out of nowhere + the game has paused. I wondered, “What’s going on? Why isn’t everyone playing?” while trying to figure out what everyone around me were saying. I remember being bashful around that friend because I thought he was cute. He turned to me + tried to talk to me. I must have looked puzzled because he looked confused and asked my cousins why I wasn’t responding. A few seconds later, they all were roaring with laughter. Naturally, my curiosity peaked + I asked one of my cousins what was so funny. His response, while I was unprepared, has shattered my innocence…
“Oh, we were laughing because you can’t hear.”
I was confused. Being Deaf is hilarious? I could not see any humor in that because up till then, I thought I was just like everyone else…that the only difference was my method of communication: a sign language. I grew up in a multilingual household. Khmer, Chinese + English were spoken around me. I thought, a sign language was just another language…nothing to laugh about. That moment was when I realized that the society had a different perspective of me + had placed me in the category where our “differences” were to be mocked…to be looked down on…to be pitied.
I was struggling with my identities: Deaf, Asian-American, panqueer + womxn because of the experience I just shared. Unfortunately, that was not an isolated experience.
I was mainstreamed in elementary school in a hearing classroom but still received support from DHH (Deaf + Hard of Hearing) program until I was in 5th grade when the program relocated to a different school district while I had to stay behind. That was how I came to be the only Deaf student with two sign language interpreters from that point until I graduated from high school. As the only Deaf student in school, I have experienced a lot of unpleasant events…discrimination from some of peers and teachers + staff.
I had applied for Gallaudet University in Washington, D.C., which is known as the world’s first university for Deaf. As I had mentioned that I was the only Deaf student in my school for years, it was definitely a cultural shock when I stepped into Gallaudet campus. It felt like I entered another dimension…another world, where every single person was signing + I could actually understand them. I was also very nervous because I did not know one person but shortly after, I made new friends, whom I still hold dear to my heart. I also found myself in a romantic relationship, which had turned into a toxic relationship. After months, I ended the relationship, but my ex had developed unhealthy obsession with me and stalked me on daily basis and I did not feel safe enough to seek for help because he was part of fraternity and best friends with the campus security. I stayed + hid in my friends’ dorm for the rest of the year because he knew where my dorm was + had harassed me online. He also had told everyone that I had cheated on him with one of my friends, using my pansexual against me. It was one of main reasons why I decided to leave + move back to California.
I have led a decent life since then, although there were quite several big bumps on the road. After battling long years with the depression + nearly lost a battle, I begun my healing journey as an survivor of childhood sexual abuse. That was when I made a conscious decision to end my self-destructive habits + searched for resources, which of course were limited to Deaf individuals. When I turned 30, I was a stay at home mother of three small children, all under the age of 7. I was also committed in a long, serious relationship with my partner, B, who is a hearing individual + my best friend from high school. But still, I knew something was missing. I couldn’t put a finger on why I still had a lot of unresolved feelings + issues boiling inside…why I couldn’t put them out for good…why I hadn’t made a peace as a whole person, even with all these “self-help” books.
That was when I decided to reach out to leaders within my own Deaf community, rather than seeking for an advice from hearing people only to be dismissed, due to lack of understanding, and be told that I needed to assimilate to a hearing world in order to survive. That was when my entire world has turned upside down…and had to work through my unresolved issues. I was in so much of pain but it was exactly what I needed because of what it was…it was a journey to self-actualization.
This is where I am: aspired to start a blog to share my journey to self-actualization. On this journey, I’m learning + becoming aware of social justice issues. I’m also documenting as I continue to unpack my issues and recognize my biases. I’m aware that I’m a flawed human being, but that should not be a reason to not learn about the privileges I may have or may not have + be the change I want to see in the world. To see the change in the world I want to see, I’m becoming that change by starting this blog where I can share my raw experiences + perspectives as a Deaf, Asian-American panqueer womxn.
P.S. I also welcome healthy discussions where perhaps I could learn from you.
[Edited Note: I changed the title of this blog entry because I didn't realize that the quote was actually by Gandhi. I wasn't comfortable with using anything relating to Gandhi. Thank you, a friend, for bringing it to my attention]
© Leang Ngov Finding My Light, 2015